A Cockeyed Optimist...

I learned an appreciation for music from being exposed to it ever since I came into existence. My mother taught music, had started playing the piano (correctly by ear) around the age of five, and afforded me the opportunity to learn about music - especially musicals from the 40’ & 50’.

I’ve been somewhat introspective since the beginning of the year, and I’ve been thinking about my propensities for viewing many things from the negative side of the fence… (That, in turn, reminded me of one particular song that get’s on my nerves whenever I hear it… A Cockeyed Optimist from South Pacific.) But, as I have often pointed out, if you expect the worse from the beginning, you can not be disappointed; you can only be pleasantly surprised.

In reality, I do not consider myself to be pessimistic; nor am I an optimist. Instead, I feel myself to be an analyzer. I analyze anything, everything, at all times… I look for what could possibly go wrong; I look for what could possibly go right… I want to know the immediate impact, the short term impact, and the long term impact. I immediately start trying to find an answer to everything. It’s what I do for a career, which I started working towards when I was 10 years old. It is so much what I am that there seems to be no switch for it…

Of course… It does present problems from time to time… And every so often, even with all the careful contemplation I can muster, I still find myself flipping a coin. Maybe there is something to being an optimist. Maybe I should have taken lessons from an old love of mine who was in real life, at the time, the epitome of A Cockeyed Optimist.

No Turning Back...

I was recently having a conversation with an old friend of mine out west. We have managed to keep touch over the years and it’s good to catch up on what we’ve been doing, how our families are, etc.

We used to work for the same company and had been brought into this location along with about 8 other high end I.T. types for the start-up of a new project. We found out we had a lot in common and developed a good friendship quickly.

He asked me if I had heard anything from a certain someone I had been…close with…back in those times. I had a few images pass my minds eye, felt a few feelings I hadn’t felt in years, and then said, no, I hadn’t. I came to feel it was time to close the door on that chapter of my life and to go forward… Not turn back…

But it also reminded me of a conversation I had with someone special to me about a decade ago. The subject was basically can we ever turn back… Can we get back to a place where we were at one point in time to basically then go forward, but in a different direction this time… I thought then that we could, she was skeptical, but tried… And we failed…

Maybe…. Sometimes.… That which is buried in the past should remain covered.

…………………………………………………………………there is no turning back.

Memento Mori...

Yes… We all will die eventually, and it is good to remember that simple fact. But have you ever noticed that when you are suffering from a really bad case of the flu that, unlike most other times when you are wishing death to stay away for many years to come, that instead, if you could manage to stand up to begin with, you would go and find Thanatos and throw yourself upon his Scythe???

Yeah, that’s about how I’m feeling right now… I’m sitting here in an over stuffed chair (Ok… Sitting isn’t quite correct… Maybe I should say I have simply collapsed here in the chair…) with my laptop, trying to focus on typing, just so I can stop thinking about how freaking miserable I am right now and just how good the eternal slumber sounds at the moment…

I can feel my veins, and the flu medication coursing through them, running up and around my head, down my neck, into and out of my heart, and on and on and on… My blood is pounding in my temples and my ears… I have to close one eye from time to time just to be able to clearly see the words that I am trying to type… And I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, it would have been better NOT to have taken the drugs to combat the flu symptoms to begin with because I don’t think the meds are really helping the flu symptoms, I think they are just making me more miserable.

OK… Now I’m relegated to closing both eyes while I type. It is good to be a true touch typist… (Thank you Mrs. Hammer!!!) I always like to mess with people when they come into my office and I’ll keep typing while I look them in the eye… I’ve been told that watching someone do that is unnerving… Why? I have no idea…

Anyway, I’m going to try to sleep this off… Happy St. Patrick’s day to everyone who bothers to observe this holiday… Enjoy…!

Decisions

We all face them… Really can’t make it through a single day without making one… And, I’m in the business of making decisions. I do it all the time, and where I like to think things out and review all the data I can before making a decision, I’m also usually accurate at making good decisions on the fly. But the one area where I seem unable to make good decisions is in my own personal relationships.

I have a major decision to make at the moment… Go back, or get out. There is a lot of data on this I have to work with from the past. And, I have some much different data to work with based on very recent conversations. I have no doubt of the sincerity of both parties concerned at this point, but that doesn’t mean anything will change for the positive.

Well… I have a little time left to mull things over before making a final commitment to what path I will select. I just keep thinking about an old Patty Smyth song, ‘Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.’

Decisions… Unconscious… Decisions… Unconscious… Hummm… I do have that bottle of Bombay Blue…

Superbia, Invidia, Ira, Avaritia, Tristia, Gula, Luxuria

Four over fourteen hundred years mankind has been aware of seven sins which by some religious doctrines consider are considered to be deadly. Superbia – Pride; Invidia – Envy; Ira – Anger; Avaritia – Avarice; Tristia – Sadness (yes, replaced by sloth, but I understand sadness better than slothfulness); Gula – Gluttony; Luxuria - Lust.

The whole intent of presenting this information was to inform the devout of that which could place their position in the afterlife in question. If you know about a thing, you can account for a thing. You have a choice.

I wonder how often people might stop to think about what they actually do in their day to day lives that might fall under the category of a deadly sin. And, when you do start thinking hard about the issue, what kind of a list can you generate going back over time.

These are nothing more than states of emotion, and as often will happen emotions tend to feed off of each other. We are all emotional beings and we all at some time must experience one or more of these emotional states. But do we really consider them to have potential everlasting consequences, or has society gotten to a state where these “sins” are nothing more than business as usual?

I have pride in my accomplishments; I envy those with a relationship like the one I would like; I find anger at many things in the world; I have a lot of sadness for a variety of reasons; And what can I say about lust… It occurs in many forms and fashion.

It’s something to think about from time to time… How it all fits into my life at the moment, or what I consider being right or wrong, I’m not sure… But every once in awhile when I’m staring at the stars at night, just thinking…

Tempus Fugit

Time flees… It has been pointed out to me that it has been quite some time since I have added to my mad missives. I can assure all that this lapse has not been due to my lack of interest in sharing my thoughts, nor have I found myself with a lack of materials. My mind, as always, has been quite active. I find the true reason to be that simply of a lack of spirit over the past several weeks.

Many around the world look forward to the New Year. Celebrations abound, moods are festive and excited, and scores of new resolutions are drafted with the best of intentions. However, as I entered into the New Year, I found myself dealing with issues that are impacting me on many levels of my existence and as such, I simply have retreated somewhat into the depths of my own reality in order to understand and cope with eddies of life.

I was taught once in a creative writing class that there are four primary Conflicts in any good story:

Man against man
Man against nature
Man against society
Man against himself

And, along with a satisfying Conflict, there must be a good plot with Events that move the story through to the conclusion. There are a plethora of stories held in high esteem dealing with only one set of Conflicts. But what about times when two or more Conflicts are being addressed by the same character at the same time? Well, so the story of my life goes…

I started out the story of my New Year with three basic conflicts: Myself against (wo)man, Myself against nature, and Myself against society. (I will use the term Society at this point with regards to one of the conflicts as it seems to be the best fit.)

Man against (wo)man - The end of 2005 was seeing a steady decline in my relationship with my current, um, significant other. For some time, really, she and I have been at odds on many levels. But from around Christmas through the end of the year (and even more so to present) there was a rapid decline in our abilities to tolerate one another. During a time that should have been joyful, there was much darkness and sorrow, and it totally overshadowed the Spirit of the Season, let alone my own Spirit. Events such as this have the tendency to drain the mind and body of energy, leaving one to stumble through the mundane daily tasks with the clarity and alacrity of someone on Thorazine. Even when all else is right in the world, a troubled relationship can take its toll on anyone in short order. As I indicated, this has only deteriorated over the past couple of months to the point where I now have a place to stay only due to the charity and kindness (which is very much appreciated) of an old friend.

Man against nature – Maybe some would argue that medical problems might be man against himself. I guess there might be times where this could be true, say, in an instance where a mental condition existed. (Hummmmmmmm…. Ok, another possible conflict for me to contemplate….) However, I am electing to consider my present medical condition as myself against a natural illness. One that started late last year, arrived unexpectedly, and one that may still require surgery to correct. At present, it is at a wait and see what happens next point before they want to go in and start cutting out things. But, there is only so much that can be removed in ones body before there starts to exist a notable impact on the quality and condition of life. Wait and see… Nice… Oh, $3600 for you to tell me that? Ok… Thanks… Great doing business with you…

Man against society – The first day back to the office after the New Year holiday was when I found that my job might be in jeopardy due to evolutions within my company. No one has the desire to be unemployed (by a decision other than their own), especially once a salary level has reached a point where you can not reasonably expect to find other gainful employment at the same level without searching for quite some time. Of course, finding out something like this right after the holidays AND while dealing with another stressful conflict might just make Carrie Nation drain the private stores of the Jack Daniel’s Distillery. Needless to say, at this point, I’m starting to feel just a little bit on the cynical side of life.

I think I may be well on the way to starting yet another conflict as I wage the war in my mind over how to deal with these issues. At least for now, the job issue seems to be good, but it is still quite stressful. Having to deal with the eminent collapse of my relationship is adding just more than a little stress on me, and there are always other little things running around in the background to stir things up just for grins.

The Chinese proverb says, “May you live in interesting times…” Hey, I wouldn’t mind some uninteresting times for a little while. I’m tired… I would appreciate a break in things… Maybe a little bit of “luck”, even though I personally don’t subscribe to the notion of “luck.” Maybe a fifth of Beam Black would lighten the mood… I don’t know right now. All I know is that I intend to keep going, one day at a time, see what happens, make the most of things the best that I can. Carpe diem!!! Naw… Carpe noctis!!!!

All the while, I’m going to have a really cool tune running through my head with lyrics that pretty much sum up how I’m feeling at the moment:

You see me now, a veteran
Of a thousand psychic wars
I've been living on the edge so long
Where the winds of limbo roar
And I'm young enough to look at
And far too old to see
All the scars are on the inside
I'm not sure that there's anything left of me

{Refrain}
Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating out our brains
Oh, please don't let these shakes go on

You ask me why I'm weary
Why I can't speak to you
You blame me for my silence
Say it's time I changed and grew
But the war's still going on, dear
And there's no end that I know
And I can't say if we're ever
I can't say if we're ever gonna be free

{Refrain}

You see me now a veteran
Of a thousand psychic wars
My energy is spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons
And I'm helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I'm made of
Did I hear you say that this is victory

{As Refrain}
Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
Send me to the rear
Where the tides of madness swell
And been sliding into hell
Oh, please don't let shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on