Tempus Fugit

Time flees… It has been pointed out to me that it has been quite some time since I have added to my mad missives. I can assure all that this lapse has not been due to my lack of interest in sharing my thoughts, nor have I found myself with a lack of materials. My mind, as always, has been quite active. I find the true reason to be that simply of a lack of spirit over the past several weeks.

Many around the world look forward to the New Year. Celebrations abound, moods are festive and excited, and scores of new resolutions are drafted with the best of intentions. However, as I entered into the New Year, I found myself dealing with issues that are impacting me on many levels of my existence and as such, I simply have retreated somewhat into the depths of my own reality in order to understand and cope with eddies of life.

I was taught once in a creative writing class that there are four primary Conflicts in any good story:

Man against man
Man against nature
Man against society
Man against himself

And, along with a satisfying Conflict, there must be a good plot with Events that move the story through to the conclusion. There are a plethora of stories held in high esteem dealing with only one set of Conflicts. But what about times when two or more Conflicts are being addressed by the same character at the same time? Well, so the story of my life goes…

I started out the story of my New Year with three basic conflicts: Myself against (wo)man, Myself against nature, and Myself against society. (I will use the term Society at this point with regards to one of the conflicts as it seems to be the best fit.)

Man against (wo)man - The end of 2005 was seeing a steady decline in my relationship with my current, um, significant other. For some time, really, she and I have been at odds on many levels. But from around Christmas through the end of the year (and even more so to present) there was a rapid decline in our abilities to tolerate one another. During a time that should have been joyful, there was much darkness and sorrow, and it totally overshadowed the Spirit of the Season, let alone my own Spirit. Events such as this have the tendency to drain the mind and body of energy, leaving one to stumble through the mundane daily tasks with the clarity and alacrity of someone on Thorazine. Even when all else is right in the world, a troubled relationship can take its toll on anyone in short order. As I indicated, this has only deteriorated over the past couple of months to the point where I now have a place to stay only due to the charity and kindness (which is very much appreciated) of an old friend.

Man against nature – Maybe some would argue that medical problems might be man against himself. I guess there might be times where this could be true, say, in an instance where a mental condition existed. (Hummmmmmmm…. Ok, another possible conflict for me to contemplate….) However, I am electing to consider my present medical condition as myself against a natural illness. One that started late last year, arrived unexpectedly, and one that may still require surgery to correct. At present, it is at a wait and see what happens next point before they want to go in and start cutting out things. But, there is only so much that can be removed in ones body before there starts to exist a notable impact on the quality and condition of life. Wait and see… Nice… Oh, $3600 for you to tell me that? Ok… Thanks… Great doing business with you…

Man against society – The first day back to the office after the New Year holiday was when I found that my job might be in jeopardy due to evolutions within my company. No one has the desire to be unemployed (by a decision other than their own), especially once a salary level has reached a point where you can not reasonably expect to find other gainful employment at the same level without searching for quite some time. Of course, finding out something like this right after the holidays AND while dealing with another stressful conflict might just make Carrie Nation drain the private stores of the Jack Daniel’s Distillery. Needless to say, at this point, I’m starting to feel just a little bit on the cynical side of life.

I think I may be well on the way to starting yet another conflict as I wage the war in my mind over how to deal with these issues. At least for now, the job issue seems to be good, but it is still quite stressful. Having to deal with the eminent collapse of my relationship is adding just more than a little stress on me, and there are always other little things running around in the background to stir things up just for grins.

The Chinese proverb says, “May you live in interesting times…” Hey, I wouldn’t mind some uninteresting times for a little while. I’m tired… I would appreciate a break in things… Maybe a little bit of “luck”, even though I personally don’t subscribe to the notion of “luck.” Maybe a fifth of Beam Black would lighten the mood… I don’t know right now. All I know is that I intend to keep going, one day at a time, see what happens, make the most of things the best that I can. Carpe diem!!! Naw… Carpe noctis!!!!

All the while, I’m going to have a really cool tune running through my head with lyrics that pretty much sum up how I’m feeling at the moment:

You see me now, a veteran
Of a thousand psychic wars
I've been living on the edge so long
Where the winds of limbo roar
And I'm young enough to look at
And far too old to see
All the scars are on the inside
I'm not sure that there's anything left of me

{Refrain}
Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating out our brains
Oh, please don't let these shakes go on

You ask me why I'm weary
Why I can't speak to you
You blame me for my silence
Say it's time I changed and grew
But the war's still going on, dear
And there's no end that I know
And I can't say if we're ever
I can't say if we're ever gonna be free

{Refrain}

You see me now a veteran
Of a thousand psychic wars
My energy is spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons
And I'm helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I'm made of
Did I hear you say that this is victory

{As Refrain}
Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
Send me to the rear
Where the tides of madness swell
And been sliding into hell
Oh, please don't let shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on