Tis’ The Season…Of The Herd

Of the many ways to enjoy and celebrate the “holiday” season which stretches between Thanksgiving and New Years, shopping to me has become the antithesis of Joy & Good-will.

Maybe it is due to one very simple fact… I have a great dislike for people. Not to say that I am not quite fond of some individuals, for I am… But people… That collective of wasted DNA which so often provides the ultimate display of utter ignorance… I really can’t stand to be around them, let alone find myself within their midst.

However, since I do not have a mass stockpile of the basic items required these days for human existence, I find that I must venture forth from my sanctum sanctorum on occasion during this time of the year, even knowing that I will have to face my great nemesis; again…and again…and yet…again.

My most recent foray into the realm of the objectionable was last night. On my way home from work, I had the need to visit the local Meijer store (i.e. Super Wal-mart type store) for a few items. I knew that it was not going to be a pleasant experience even before I had managed to creep along the parking lot to a place to park the car. Already, the people, here forth noted as, “The Herd,” were wandering back and forth with all the rush of a herd of turtles crawling through a dust storm.

Once inside the store, my situation did not improve… I had been encumbered by The Herd while still in the parking lot, but once they found themselves within the confines of the store, they became paralyzing. I simply had to stand for awhile watching as The Herd, with glassy eyes, attempted to figure out which way they should lumber off to in search of whatever it was they were searching for. Given the slack jawed, glazed eyed, befuddled appearance on some of the faces I saw, I would surmise that many were there simply to be there without any true notion of what they were seeking, or even if it could be found within the store.

As I finally managed to make my way through towards the back of the store where I needed to start my shopping, I had many occasion to pause and observe the same look, the same response, the same pattern, that The Herd shared wherever they were encountered.

To make a long story shorter… I finally, and I might add without turning any of The Herd into jerky, managed to get everything I wanted and made my way to the check out lines. If you think that things couldn’t have gotten any worse, you would be mistaken. Out of almost 30 check out lines, there was a grand total of 4 open for business. (I discount the check it yourself lines as I had too many items, and they had already been swarmed en mass by The Herd.)

I watched for 25 minutes as the cashier (undoubtedly culled from The Herd) slowly, oh, EVER so slowly checked each and every item before passing it over the scanner… She displayed all of the speed of frozen ambergris as she went about the performance of her duties. Once she finally started checking my items, she haphazardly dropped the items into plastic bags, not even once looking to see where the items were going. On the second bag, as she released a box of angle hair pasta, the corner of the box hit the side of the bag on the way down, causing a rip in the bag. Of course, the box continued its path through the rip; followed by the second box of pasta, and seven other items. Again, all of this was missed by this Herd reject as she continued along her mundane way. She didn’t even pause to observe, let alone question or assist me, as I picked up all the items and placed them into a new bag.

Finally… Finally it was OVER! I paid!! I started my escape… Only to hear her say, “Have a good evening…” I didn’t bother to stop and try to explain to her why I KNEW I was going to have a good evening… After all, my torture was over… Rest and deliverance was at hand… I was leaving The Herd in my wake and returning again to the peace and tranquility of my abode.