Dragons of Autumn Twilight

It was 1984. It was an interesting year for me to say the least and one that had profound impact on the course of my life.

But in this entry, I will only focus on one small event from that period 22 years ago; the beginning of something that has left an indelible mark on the literary world and continues to have relevance.

The first book in the now infamous DragonLance series, Dragons of Autumn Twilight, was released in April of that year. Already an avid player in the worlds of AD&D, it was only fitting that I procure this tome as it was a new world with new adventures set within the growing AD&D universe. The authors, Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman, did not disappoint.

Why the sudden mention of this, you might inquire? The answer is simple… I was just reading my daily dose of SCI FI Wire News and noticed an article dealing with the emenint release of an animated motion picture in the fall of 2007. True, that a movie was in the works is not “new” news, but I now consider it a given since SCI FI has made mention of the event.

I personally hope for an IMAX release… It would be well worth shilling out the cash for such an experience.
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'Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it.'

'Are you saying we should just give up?' Tanis asked, irritably tossing the bark away.

'I'm saying we should remove the carrot and walk forward with our eyes open,' Raistlin answered.

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Should you like to read more about this movie, you may visit the Official DragonLance Movie Site.

But What To Say...

I have never had cause to correspond with an incarcerated individual. In retrospect, I am thinking this is a good thing as it would seem, prima facie, that during the course of my life I have made wise decisions in those I call friend. This is not, however, to say that I have not the occasional lapse in good judgment or at the very least, my perceptions and intuitions have failed me, but all in all, the odds have favored me.

Twice so far, someone I called friend has committed an act that has greatly offended my sensibilities.

The first time this happened, the betrayal was against me personally, and my only thought was to remove the person from the planet. And to be totally honest, I still feel the same way every time I pause to think about the incident. The motto of the Montresors in Poe’s The Cask of Amontillado – Nemo me impune lacessit (No one provokes me with impunity) – has always been a personal favorite of mine. But I digress… Needless to say, the “friendship” was, is, and forever shall be dead to me.

The second time this happened, the betrayal was against me, but not personally. It was against my perceptions of someone I have known for more than a quarter of a century and it was the actions against others – of the type most reviled in our society - that I could not condone. And at present, their lack of control and judgment is being punished in the form of a multi-year incarceration.

Letters have been sent by this person to those of us who are known friends. To date, I know of no letters that have been drafted from us and returned in kind. The most recent letter received today indicates a high level of despair, longing, and need from our friend for some means of moral support. And yet… What do I say?

How is life behind bars suiting you? Made friends with any of the other offenders there yet? Anyone made you their “personal” friend yet? What is the shower scene like? How is the food? Heard from anyone else in the family, or have they pretty much disavowed you? What the HELL is wrong with you?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Well… We are friends… Nothing is going to change that simple fact. There is no requirement of friendship that stipulates one must like, understand, or condone any action taken by the other. So, I have been remiss and I need to make amends.

But what to say…

Sui Caedere

"...But everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means..." -- Staind

No, these lyrics in It's Been Awhile by Staind aren't about suicide... But they could, I think, make up a core feeling in a song about suicide. I mean, it's not like there aren't enough songs out there on the subject, but still...

Anyone ever thought about suicide? No, I don't mean, have you thought about offing yourself. Have you just ever simply stopped to think about suicide, what it is, and why it has a presence that transcends all cultures, religions, and philosophies?

If for nothing else, it is an interesting concept in that in all of the species known to the world, suicide is only practiced by humans. No other creature known will kill itself simply for the sake of having the desire to cease to exist. Let’s try that again… No other form of animal or insect known by man will act to kill itself simply for the sake of ending its existence. Why?

Isn’t man supposed to be at the very top of the food chain? Are we not the most intellectual species know to the planet? We use tools, we have created vast civilizations, we can adapt to live in any region on the planet, we can split the atom, and we’ve walked on the moon…. And yet… We are the only living things that will also terminate our own existence in the universe.

Some cultures reject suicide for legal reasons, or religious reasons, or for whatever reason. Some cultures consider it to be honorable. Some consider it acceptable when ‘X’ is the reason, but not because of ‘Y’ or ‘Z.’ Some could care less…

What do we think of people who commit suicide? That they are: selfish, stupid, enlightened, depressed, unbalance, evil, damned, saved, better off, worse off, brave, cowards, vindictive, hopeless….what else?

How do we feel about the person who wants to commit suicide to get back at his ex-wife for having to pay so much money in support?

How do we feel about the 95 year old in the nursing home in pain most of the waking hours, who can no longer see well enough to read or watch TV, or hear to listen to radio or music, and is confined to a wheelchair, but is to weak to move themselves around and wants to commit suicide?

How do we feel about the person who simply has had enough of life and living in this world and is tired of plodding through life day after day after day after...

Tired… Tired of thinking… Tired of feeling… Tired of the endless struggle… Tired of… Consequences...

Balo!!! Eat My Freaking Shorts!!!!

How time truly slips away… I actually enjoy taking part in the phenomena of the blogging. It is a good way to get some of my thoughts out of my head. It is a good way to “hear” the thoughts of people who matter to me. It is a good way to find out what other people have on their mind… Which usually ends up having the result of putting more thoughts in my head; filling up the space I emptied in the first place. No wonder I can’t keep my head clear these days.

I’ve noticed for a long time now, however, that I haven’t been paying attention to the World of Blog. It’s not because I’m not interested… It’s not because I have no desire to participate… I just simply haven’t had the energy. That’s actually strange for me as I’ve always maintained a very active on-line presence going way back before the time of the Internet. (Anyone remember FIDO Net?)

No… It’s been a matter of energy. And it has been impacting far more than my blogging. It’s been noticeable all over the place. And there’s been this damn dizziness… And other things… So… I figured it was about time to try and find out what the problem might be which required a little trip to the doctor.

[/INTERLUDE] I’m sitting here watching an old Billy Idol video, “To Be A Lover,” and I can’t help but notice… Just how totally cool 80’s music videos really were. I mean, I remember seeing this when it came out in the mid-80’s on MTV. When MTV still ran music videos. [/INTERLUDE OFF]

So Dr. Howse (no affiliation with, or resemblance to, Dr. House) sends me off to the vampires so they can run a few blood tests. General stuff… And those came back in and now it’s off for more targeted tests. I’m like, OK, so what are you targeting? (Talking to the nurse at the time…) And she’s being a little vague on the specifics… Having that whole, “Well… Let’s conduct the tests and see what the results are before we draw conclusions…” attitude and tone in her voice, which was starting to annoy me, but hell, right now, almost anything and everything is annoying me… And I had an epiphany… And I said, “You think I’m diabetic…” Pause in conversation… Response, “Well, yes, that what it looks like but we don’t want to alarm you…”

Now, I was at a client site working on some communications issues and had walked outside to take this call… It’s hot… It’s humid… I had just gotten off the phone about three minutes before the docs office called after getting into a screaming match with an idiot working for Ameritech, uh, SBC, uh, AT&T…yeah, AT&T now, because they hadn’t properly punched down a new T1 at their Central Office…a line that is already FIVE FREAKING WEEKS OVER DUE…and we had been PROMISED that it would be ready and operational before 10:00 a.m. this morning…and now here I am hearing that I most likely have a disease that is the number six killer in the U.S. All I could say was simply… “Well…. FUCK!”

Of course, I apologized, but she told me that it was quite alright and how a good number of patients say something very similar when hearing something like this, and that, in fact, she’d most likely utter about the same.

[/INTERLUDE II] Still watching videos… B.O.C.’s Burning For You. Love It!!! They did this song during the last concert I saw. [/INTERLUDE II OFF]

Well… The good thing is I can look forward to feeling better…eventually. Which would be good, since it’s been way, way, way, dare I say once again, way…to long since I took the time to bore anyone with my little corner of the multi-verse. I have a few other things I could go into… But that’s another entry for another day.

Horrible Sci-Fi At It's Worse!

Please note this image is brought to you complements of a thought another random slacker put into my head. Enjoy!

There are those who believe… That life here… Began out there.

And so began the narration to, at the time, what was the biggest budget pilot episode of a television series ever to air: Battlestar Galactica

I remember the day very well… September 17, 1978. It was a Saturday. When the show started, I was enthralled and became an instant loyal fan…one might even say fanatical. Yeah, the show had similar story line problems of a lot of 70’s shows, but still… It was cool, I loved the look of the Galactica (still one of my most favorite space ship designs) and I really hated when they canceled the show. (I won’t even mention the disaster known as Galactica: 1980… We had high hopes, but it simply sucked scummy pond water.)

For many, many years I had dreamed of somehow this show being brought back. As the years went by, however, it seemed less and less likely that we would ever see more of this show. Then, I saw where Richard Hatch was trying to revive the franchise by doing a continuation of the original show set many years later with the fleet still searching for Earth. I understand that several of the original cast were interested, and then… Bam! It was announced that indeed, Battlestar Galactica was coming back!!!!!! As a re-imaged production…

I wasn’t sure what to think of that at the time since many of these “re-imaged” shows end up not being very good… Witness Planet of the Apes… But… Still… After over twenty years, it was coming back. To the Sci-Fi channel.

That took care of the issue for me… I wouldn’t be watching. I haven’t subscribed to cable T.V. for about three years now. I was spending over $1000 and still sitting around going, “There’s nothing on T.V.!” And, I was never around the house to watch a lot of T.V. anyway, so I had ditched it and went back to the good old fashion antenna. Local programming only…

Ok… So two seasons of the new Galactica has come and gone, and I have seen every once in awhile stories on how great this new show is, how well it is doing, and I’ve wondered… What is it really like… So, I finally decided it was time to find out.

I researched the episode guide, and I settled on three that dealt with a Battlestar Pegasus story arc. Using today’s technology I, uh, “acquired” these three episodes and watched them tonight. All I can say is, WOW! Once again I felt like a little kid, enthralled by the magic that is known as science fiction. Here are solid story lines, with exceptional characters, good effects, and it simply reaches out, takes hold of you, and draws you into their universe. SO… Maybe it’s time to get cable again. Even if it’s only for this one show.

For now, I’m currently, uh, acquiring more episodes to view until I can get the DVD’s.

Invasion Of The Low Paying Job Seekers

I have, until recently, been divided in my thoughts regarding a popular topic: Illegal Immigration. I was going to discuss the history of cheap labor in this country, and even look at the social economics of the issue. But at present, I'm feeling a little more emotional about the issue...

First of all, I am no longer inclined to look at the predominant peoples in question, citizens of Mexico, as immigrants – if they are here illegally. After all, the definition of an immigrant is one who comes to a country to take up permanent residence. They come, as is customary with past immigrants to this country that you hear them talking about, to adopt their new country as their own. They come to embrace the culture of this country as their own. They come and learn how to speak the language of this country, which is English. They come to help build the country as well as prosper in what is arguably the best country on the planet. Does this mean they have to forget where they came from, or the culture they were raised in and have nothing to do with it? NO!!! But it does mean that America and all that she is should come FIRST if they truly have immigrated.

No, I now refuse to refer to these people as Illegal Immigrants. I am not going to talk about “Guest Workers” either. I will, however, reference illegal migrants (those who move around looking for work) who are becoming quite bothersome. In fact, I am now over the middle mark leaning toward rounding every last freaking one of them up and throwing them back across the boarder. Two recent developments have me feeling this way: the proposed boycott on Monday to cause as much disruption as possible and the new Spanish version of our national anthem.

I have long understood why we have illegal migrants from Mexico. I know what these people are facing if they stay in Mexico. I have spent enough time in that country, gotten off of the beaten path and looked around, and have seen first hand the abject poverty that so many are forced to live in down there. I have seen families - families with small children, babies, the aged, living in shacks that are so shoddy most Americans wouldn’t store their garden tools in them. I have seen the working conditions down there in a lot of places. I have watched so many of these people trying to catch a ride miles away so they can get to their jobs, and if they can’t find transportation, they walk for miles to try and make a living. Yes indeed, I know why they come here, why they bring (or want to have) their children here if they can. I also realize why they are important to this country, but at the same time, a drain on this country that should not be tolerated forever.

Where I understand all of this, it does not change the fact that they are here illegally. Period. They are a slap in our face, and in the face of those who have come here before them legally. And now, they are acting as if they are entitled to be rewarded for breaking our laws, violating our sovereignty, and mandating that we accept and embrace their culture within our own boarders. This does not sound like someone who wants to blend into our society.

I have compadres in Mexico. I like Mexico. I like the culture down there, I like the food down there, I have had MANY great times and experiences down there. I know these are good people, they are hard working people. However, I can not sanction putting them above the interests and well being of my fellow Americans.

If you want to immigrate to this country, please do so, but do it legally. Embrace our culture, our society, learn our language, and become one of us. We welcome you. If you want be in this country for awhile working, with the intent of going back home, which is fine as long as you are doing it legally. If you do not fall into either of these categories, then I think it is time for you to leave. We will get along without you. Maybe wages will have to rise for certain jobs, with the cost being passed along to the consumer, but that is acceptable. In the long run, it should still save the citizens of this country the cost of supporting people who want the American dream – without being a true part of America.

A Mundane Political Type Ramble...

I’ve refrained from making too many comments about social issues… Partly due to some of the “spirited” debate that can be generated, but mostly due to how furious…yet powerless…I feel when reviewing yet again some totally asinine thing our government has done. And, for a large part, it is the Democrats that I find to be totally out of their freaking minds… But on occasion, some Republican will join them.

Yeah, I’m a registered Republican, but that is only due to there being no other party out there at the moment that I can totally identify with as I am a Centrist when it comes to politics. I could care less where a good idea comes from, or how a good compromise is derived, as long as it is good for the people of this country. I find it a total shame that we are nothing more than a two party body politick given that was not the case during the early history of our country. Yeah, yeah, yeah… Libertarians, Labor Party, Grassroots Party, Communist Party… Blah, blah, blah… We also have the American Nazi Party, Marijuana Party, Peace and Freedom Party, and the Green Party just to name a few. Woo Hoo…

Last time I checked, there were two or three Independent’s in Congress, one in the Senate (?) with everyone else being a Republican or Democrat. Face it… Two Party System! And at the moment, I can’t exactly say I like any of them.

I’ll go on the record right now and tell you I voted for George W. not only once, but twice. Both times it was not because he was a Republican, it was not because I thought the man would make a good president, it was simply that I felt he was the lesser of two bad candidates. Let’s face it… Al Gore???? John Kerry???? NOT!!!!!!! But I would also have liked to be able to say, George W. Bush???? NOT!!!!!!! But I can’t… There were only two candidates. And yeah, I mean viable candidates.

So… Here we are, second term, a little under three years to go. And then what? For the Democrats, Mr. Chappaquiddick is saying he would endorse Kerry again. (Ted… Wake up Ted… You went senile back in 1969… Someone since then has had their hand sticking up your anus using you like a Muppet.) Let’s see… Hillary? Howard Dean??? (That would be good… He’s pretty much insane too…) OH, OH!!! I’ve got it!!! Maybe Reverend Al will lead the donkeys to victory! Of course, on the Republican side, things look pretty bleak as well. The only possible bright spot might be if Rudy Giuliani were to go ahead and run.

There are days when I look at the state of affairs and wish that Hale Bopp would come back, that Applewhite as right about the UFO, and that pretty much every politician in Washington D.C. would become an instant resident on the mother ship. There are times when starting from scratch isn’t the worse thing to do… Well, I don’t really look for that to happen, so we’re stuck with what we have…until the next elections…assuming enough people take interest and take action. Which should happen right about the time that big UFO comes by…

Up next... Observations on immigration...

Forward...

I have been quiet for almost a month again. It is not because I haven’t had a lot of things on my mind that I could have shared. On the contrary, had I been selecting topics to post on I would have had difficulty in selecting just a single point to focus on given all of the things going on in the world that I am quite incensed about these days.

No… I think I have been decompressing over the past weeks. I have been purging myself of days, months, and years of angst. I have been, in doing little, accomplishing much in letting stress flow from my being and finding calm in my life.

Of course, not all is still right, but at the moment, things are looking up, not down, and that alone is sufficient. I think it is about time, now, to resume other activities that I enjoy.

A Cockeyed Optimist...

I learned an appreciation for music from being exposed to it ever since I came into existence. My mother taught music, had started playing the piano (correctly by ear) around the age of five, and afforded me the opportunity to learn about music - especially musicals from the 40’ & 50’.

I’ve been somewhat introspective since the beginning of the year, and I’ve been thinking about my propensities for viewing many things from the negative side of the fence… (That, in turn, reminded me of one particular song that get’s on my nerves whenever I hear it… A Cockeyed Optimist from South Pacific.) But, as I have often pointed out, if you expect the worse from the beginning, you can not be disappointed; you can only be pleasantly surprised.

In reality, I do not consider myself to be pessimistic; nor am I an optimist. Instead, I feel myself to be an analyzer. I analyze anything, everything, at all times… I look for what could possibly go wrong; I look for what could possibly go right… I want to know the immediate impact, the short term impact, and the long term impact. I immediately start trying to find an answer to everything. It’s what I do for a career, which I started working towards when I was 10 years old. It is so much what I am that there seems to be no switch for it…

Of course… It does present problems from time to time… And every so often, even with all the careful contemplation I can muster, I still find myself flipping a coin. Maybe there is something to being an optimist. Maybe I should have taken lessons from an old love of mine who was in real life, at the time, the epitome of A Cockeyed Optimist.

No Turning Back...

I was recently having a conversation with an old friend of mine out west. We have managed to keep touch over the years and it’s good to catch up on what we’ve been doing, how our families are, etc.

We used to work for the same company and had been brought into this location along with about 8 other high end I.T. types for the start-up of a new project. We found out we had a lot in common and developed a good friendship quickly.

He asked me if I had heard anything from a certain someone I had been…close with…back in those times. I had a few images pass my minds eye, felt a few feelings I hadn’t felt in years, and then said, no, I hadn’t. I came to feel it was time to close the door on that chapter of my life and to go forward… Not turn back…

But it also reminded me of a conversation I had with someone special to me about a decade ago. The subject was basically can we ever turn back… Can we get back to a place where we were at one point in time to basically then go forward, but in a different direction this time… I thought then that we could, she was skeptical, but tried… And we failed…

Maybe…. Sometimes.… That which is buried in the past should remain covered.

…………………………………………………………………there is no turning back.

Memento Mori...

Yes… We all will die eventually, and it is good to remember that simple fact. But have you ever noticed that when you are suffering from a really bad case of the flu that, unlike most other times when you are wishing death to stay away for many years to come, that instead, if you could manage to stand up to begin with, you would go and find Thanatos and throw yourself upon his Scythe???

Yeah, that’s about how I’m feeling right now… I’m sitting here in an over stuffed chair (Ok… Sitting isn’t quite correct… Maybe I should say I have simply collapsed here in the chair…) with my laptop, trying to focus on typing, just so I can stop thinking about how freaking miserable I am right now and just how good the eternal slumber sounds at the moment…

I can feel my veins, and the flu medication coursing through them, running up and around my head, down my neck, into and out of my heart, and on and on and on… My blood is pounding in my temples and my ears… I have to close one eye from time to time just to be able to clearly see the words that I am trying to type… And I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, it would have been better NOT to have taken the drugs to combat the flu symptoms to begin with because I don’t think the meds are really helping the flu symptoms, I think they are just making me more miserable.

OK… Now I’m relegated to closing both eyes while I type. It is good to be a true touch typist… (Thank you Mrs. Hammer!!!) I always like to mess with people when they come into my office and I’ll keep typing while I look them in the eye… I’ve been told that watching someone do that is unnerving… Why? I have no idea…

Anyway, I’m going to try to sleep this off… Happy St. Patrick’s day to everyone who bothers to observe this holiday… Enjoy…!

Decisions

We all face them… Really can’t make it through a single day without making one… And, I’m in the business of making decisions. I do it all the time, and where I like to think things out and review all the data I can before making a decision, I’m also usually accurate at making good decisions on the fly. But the one area where I seem unable to make good decisions is in my own personal relationships.

I have a major decision to make at the moment… Go back, or get out. There is a lot of data on this I have to work with from the past. And, I have some much different data to work with based on very recent conversations. I have no doubt of the sincerity of both parties concerned at this point, but that doesn’t mean anything will change for the positive.

Well… I have a little time left to mull things over before making a final commitment to what path I will select. I just keep thinking about an old Patty Smyth song, ‘Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.’

Decisions… Unconscious… Decisions… Unconscious… Hummm… I do have that bottle of Bombay Blue…

Superbia, Invidia, Ira, Avaritia, Tristia, Gula, Luxuria

Four over fourteen hundred years mankind has been aware of seven sins which by some religious doctrines consider are considered to be deadly. Superbia – Pride; Invidia – Envy; Ira – Anger; Avaritia – Avarice; Tristia – Sadness (yes, replaced by sloth, but I understand sadness better than slothfulness); Gula – Gluttony; Luxuria - Lust.

The whole intent of presenting this information was to inform the devout of that which could place their position in the afterlife in question. If you know about a thing, you can account for a thing. You have a choice.

I wonder how often people might stop to think about what they actually do in their day to day lives that might fall under the category of a deadly sin. And, when you do start thinking hard about the issue, what kind of a list can you generate going back over time.

These are nothing more than states of emotion, and as often will happen emotions tend to feed off of each other. We are all emotional beings and we all at some time must experience one or more of these emotional states. But do we really consider them to have potential everlasting consequences, or has society gotten to a state where these “sins” are nothing more than business as usual?

I have pride in my accomplishments; I envy those with a relationship like the one I would like; I find anger at many things in the world; I have a lot of sadness for a variety of reasons; And what can I say about lust… It occurs in many forms and fashion.

It’s something to think about from time to time… How it all fits into my life at the moment, or what I consider being right or wrong, I’m not sure… But every once in awhile when I’m staring at the stars at night, just thinking…

Tempus Fugit

Time flees… It has been pointed out to me that it has been quite some time since I have added to my mad missives. I can assure all that this lapse has not been due to my lack of interest in sharing my thoughts, nor have I found myself with a lack of materials. My mind, as always, has been quite active. I find the true reason to be that simply of a lack of spirit over the past several weeks.

Many around the world look forward to the New Year. Celebrations abound, moods are festive and excited, and scores of new resolutions are drafted with the best of intentions. However, as I entered into the New Year, I found myself dealing with issues that are impacting me on many levels of my existence and as such, I simply have retreated somewhat into the depths of my own reality in order to understand and cope with eddies of life.

I was taught once in a creative writing class that there are four primary Conflicts in any good story:

Man against man
Man against nature
Man against society
Man against himself

And, along with a satisfying Conflict, there must be a good plot with Events that move the story through to the conclusion. There are a plethora of stories held in high esteem dealing with only one set of Conflicts. But what about times when two or more Conflicts are being addressed by the same character at the same time? Well, so the story of my life goes…

I started out the story of my New Year with three basic conflicts: Myself against (wo)man, Myself against nature, and Myself against society. (I will use the term Society at this point with regards to one of the conflicts as it seems to be the best fit.)

Man against (wo)man - The end of 2005 was seeing a steady decline in my relationship with my current, um, significant other. For some time, really, she and I have been at odds on many levels. But from around Christmas through the end of the year (and even more so to present) there was a rapid decline in our abilities to tolerate one another. During a time that should have been joyful, there was much darkness and sorrow, and it totally overshadowed the Spirit of the Season, let alone my own Spirit. Events such as this have the tendency to drain the mind and body of energy, leaving one to stumble through the mundane daily tasks with the clarity and alacrity of someone on Thorazine. Even when all else is right in the world, a troubled relationship can take its toll on anyone in short order. As I indicated, this has only deteriorated over the past couple of months to the point where I now have a place to stay only due to the charity and kindness (which is very much appreciated) of an old friend.

Man against nature – Maybe some would argue that medical problems might be man against himself. I guess there might be times where this could be true, say, in an instance where a mental condition existed. (Hummmmmmmm…. Ok, another possible conflict for me to contemplate….) However, I am electing to consider my present medical condition as myself against a natural illness. One that started late last year, arrived unexpectedly, and one that may still require surgery to correct. At present, it is at a wait and see what happens next point before they want to go in and start cutting out things. But, there is only so much that can be removed in ones body before there starts to exist a notable impact on the quality and condition of life. Wait and see… Nice… Oh, $3600 for you to tell me that? Ok… Thanks… Great doing business with you…

Man against society – The first day back to the office after the New Year holiday was when I found that my job might be in jeopardy due to evolutions within my company. No one has the desire to be unemployed (by a decision other than their own), especially once a salary level has reached a point where you can not reasonably expect to find other gainful employment at the same level without searching for quite some time. Of course, finding out something like this right after the holidays AND while dealing with another stressful conflict might just make Carrie Nation drain the private stores of the Jack Daniel’s Distillery. Needless to say, at this point, I’m starting to feel just a little bit on the cynical side of life.

I think I may be well on the way to starting yet another conflict as I wage the war in my mind over how to deal with these issues. At least for now, the job issue seems to be good, but it is still quite stressful. Having to deal with the eminent collapse of my relationship is adding just more than a little stress on me, and there are always other little things running around in the background to stir things up just for grins.

The Chinese proverb says, “May you live in interesting times…” Hey, I wouldn’t mind some uninteresting times for a little while. I’m tired… I would appreciate a break in things… Maybe a little bit of “luck”, even though I personally don’t subscribe to the notion of “luck.” Maybe a fifth of Beam Black would lighten the mood… I don’t know right now. All I know is that I intend to keep going, one day at a time, see what happens, make the most of things the best that I can. Carpe diem!!! Naw… Carpe noctis!!!!

All the while, I’m going to have a really cool tune running through my head with lyrics that pretty much sum up how I’m feeling at the moment:

You see me now, a veteran
Of a thousand psychic wars
I've been living on the edge so long
Where the winds of limbo roar
And I'm young enough to look at
And far too old to see
All the scars are on the inside
I'm not sure that there's anything left of me

{Refrain}
Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating out our brains
Oh, please don't let these shakes go on

You ask me why I'm weary
Why I can't speak to you
You blame me for my silence
Say it's time I changed and grew
But the war's still going on, dear
And there's no end that I know
And I can't say if we're ever
I can't say if we're ever gonna be free

{Refrain}

You see me now a veteran
Of a thousand psychic wars
My energy is spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons
And I'm helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I'm made of
Did I hear you say that this is victory

{As Refrain}
Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
Send me to the rear
Where the tides of madness swell
And been sliding into hell
Oh, please don't let shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on

Turn The Page…

“Every day we're standing in a time capsule
Racing down a river from the past
Every day we're standing in a wind tunnel
Facing down the future coming fast”

- Rush

Another year come and almost gone… Didn’t we just mark our entry into the 2000’s last year? What? That was SIX years ago almost… Where have the years gone? It’s been how long since I was there? …that I did that? …that I saw them? I’m getting old…

It seems like almost yesterday when I was looking forward to getting out of high school… Carefree days visiting with friends, staying up all night, walking around town, playing tag all over large bales of hay, playing AD&D through an entire weekend, racing along back country roads… Where has life gone? What have I to show for all the years so far? What will I have to show in the future?

The past is now so clear, the present is starting to fade, and the future is obscured… What is coming towards me down the river of time?

To all… Happy New Year! May your future be bright…

At What Price, Immortality…?

For as long as I can remember, I have liked History. So much, in fact, that I at one time entertained the thoughts of getting a degree in History and either working for the Library of Congress, or finding a nice, quiet, conservative college campus somewhere in the mountains (I would prefer the Rocky Mountains) to teach History.

I started college working on three majors: Information Technologies (as I also love computers), History, and Political Science. Needless to say after the first two semesters, I came to a cross road of decision; stop killing myself with credit overload, save money, graduate sooner, and go for something that will make me money OR focus on something I had a true passion for, that wouldn’t make me a lot of money, but that I could immerse myself in gladly for the rest of my life…or until dementia sets in, whichever comes first. Needless to say, I choose the money… [Break to listen to B.O.C. on the Internet radio.]

So, here I am few lustrums later working in I.T. It’s been good to me, but I still dream of history… Which brings me to my point…

I have always been drawn to stories of immortality, or time travel, or being something with a much, much longer life span than what is normal for the human race. This explains why I enjoy stories by Poul Anderson, H. G. Wells, and Roger Zelazny.

Time travel (H. G. Wells) would at least offer me the opportunity to see history like no one else has, but for a finite time. Likewise, a much longer life span (Roger Zelazny) like an Amberite would allow me not only to see history, but to create and recreate it by traversing to different shadows of reality. But again, for a finite time. Immortality however, (Poul Anderson) as found in “The Boat Of A Million Years” could be the most fascinating option. These people were immortal and could live thousands and thousands of years. However, the immortality came with a twist… These people could be killed if hurt badly enough. Were they lucky enough, however, life went on and on and on…

But what if I had the opportunity to become immortal, and very difficult to kill… In fact, what if I had to kill to survive, to maintain my immortality… Yeah… Good old vampire type immortality…

Either way, after a few hundred years, or a few thousand years, of existence, what would I be? Would my memories fade over time even as they do as we live our 70, 80, 90 years as human mortals? Would I still find things in the world that were new and exciting? People? Philosophies? What place would I have in the world? Would I still be human? Would I still be sane? Would I still feel for others? Love them? Care about them? After all of the loss, the separation over time, would I still care to have relationships? Would my knowledge and experiences of all the centuries be truly useful? Would I still be young, or would I feel extremely old, tired, and useless?

What price would I pay eventually for immortality? Or what price might the world pay for my existence?

Life Sucks. Get A Helmet, Okay?

Well... If any of you have ever listened to older Denis Leary stuff, then you know that isn't quite how the line goes, but it will suffice.

I could use a helmet today… A really, really big one… Bigger than the one Dark Helmet wore in Spaceballs… In fact, I’m not sure anyone really makes a helmet as big as the one I would like to have had on today, because basically boys and girls… Life sucks! At least it does today.

This is all work related. And I like my job, don’t get me wrong. It’s a good environment, with good people, with a good salary, and good benefits. But, as a manager, there are times when I really hate my job. Most of those times have to do with having to manage people. Today is a primary example of a bad people management day…

I had to fire someone on my staff today… Nine days before freaking Christmas, and I have to tell this person that, Hey, Merry Christmas… You’re fired!!! Happy Holidays!! Enjoy the start of the New Year in the unemployment line!!!!

Was the termination justified? Yeah… But right before Christmas? I had to do it, I know I did, and it wasn’t my fault this person did the things they did to warrant termination… But right before Christmas??? {FYI… I wanted to at least wait until January… Wasn’t an option left open to me…}

SO… I get to tell someone that just bought a new house a few months ago and is trying to get on with life that not only do you have no money for Christmas gifts, but you have no money now for the house payment, or the car payment, or food, or electricity, or gas, or…or…or… SIGH…………..

I have an obligation to my company to do the right thing… I have no problem with that… I would fire my own mother if I had a business reason to do so… BUT NOT RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!!!

Oh well… Life sucks, get a helmet!

Insomnia Is An Art Form...

I want to sleep… I have to get up in three hours… I worked 11 hours yesterday… I’ve worked many more over the past two weeks getting ready to move the office from one location to the other. I’m already tired from all of that, and now, I can’t sleep. I went to bed five hours ago, but sleep has not come… Anyone have a really big hammer???

I guess it could also be that I’m going to the hospital tomorrow for tests. This will be the second time as the first time they were unable to complete the tests to the point of having any useful information. I’ve already been told that most likely what they fine is going to require surgery. This will only confirm the suspicions. I’m not looking forward to this, and given my already tired frame of mind and body, I think this is why I am unable to slumber tonight.

This really isn’t true insomnia… I’ve suffered that before, many years ago. Contrary to popular beliefs, sleep depravation will not cause you to go insane…assuming you were already insane to begin with, which I think maybe back then I might have qualified for the term. Who knows…

Well… I know I won’t sleep while typing on a computer, so I guess maybe I should stop and try to rest. But it is so convenient still being in bed with a wireless laptop.

Of Winter, A Wolf, And Twilight...

I imagine myself as Elric of Melnibone… I have been called by Man the White Wolf, and many other names… I was in the Northern Wastes when an omen showed itself to me and beckoned me to follow… It was a white wolf… I have followed on impulse, starting a journey through a frozen land ensconced within eternal twilight…

I follow the white wolf not knowing where I am going or why… I have no companions; I have no friends to accompany me… Only Stormbringer at my side, now howling for souls, but there are none to feed the demon, and as such, my strength dwindles, my life ebbs, and I know it is not long before I will perish in this hellish place, alone, cold, and as empty as the land through which I journey. But I must follow where the white wolf leads as I am drifting through the multiverse and must find myself back to sanity, or that at least which I call sanity. Without a guide, I am also lost. As it would seem, I am doomed.

Where are you Arioch!? Donblas!? Xiombarg!? Won’t one of you show yourself to feed my sword? Come for me!!! I await you!!!

But nothing… Just the cold… Just the emptiness… Just the white wolf leading me onward…